Today I decided to give an example of editing a haiku. I love the work of Richard Wright and just discovered his book called “Haiku, This Other World.”(1) Sadly I was a bit disappointed in reading the book. Mr. Wright holds to a strict 5-7-5 rule and forgoes much of what is considered to make a haiku a haiku. In fact this month in the haiku journal “Modern Haiku” there is a review of the aforementioned book and it says that “the majority of these scholars care about and evaluate , Wright’s haiku not as haiku but rather more generically as literature.” (2) and I would tend to agree with their position. I digress this is not a critique of Wright’s work but an attempt to sharpen my editing skills. I have chosen one haiku that spoke to me, begging for an editing, and leave it up to you dear reader to decide.
Wright’s Original with approximate formatting.
#620
In the post office,
A clerk sorting out letters
Hears spring rain falling.
My edit
in post office
clerk sorts letters…
spring rain
and now comes your part please vote which you feel is the better haiku. Please be honest I am trying to improve my editing.
;
Sources:
Wright, Richard: Haiku This Other World, First Anchor Books, 2000
Grayson, David. “Review of The Other World of Richard Wright: Perspectives on His Haiku,” Modern Haiku 42.3 (Autumn 2011) 129-132
I voted for the second because it captures the moment. The first is too broad and generic. That’s my 2 cents 🙂 I really like the second–good job there!!!
Thank you. I chose this one to edit for the reasons you noted.
In my humble opinion, your edit captures the sense of Haiku ! Clearly more concise! A fine example of good editing!
Thank you very much I am honored.
I like the shorter version. More succinct and more feeling.
I like the shorter version, though I would edit thus…
In a post office
clerk sorts letters,
as spring rains softly fall
Come to think of it… yours is better, more spare… 🙂 The first version, #620, (and who names haiku with a number?…) reminds me more of a brick than haiku….
Thank you for your comment. In general it is accepted that a haiku have no title. I assume that Mr. Wright just numbered them for ease of reference.
10-4… 🙂
but sometimes I like to sneak one in. It is like getting one more line in. 😉
I voted for the second on, because the first one does not work so good and I don’t like the use of falling and sorting.
However personally I like to write the 5-7-5 haiku , the classic one instead of the shorter versions..
Ciao,
Francina
Francina,
Thank you for your comment I truly am appreciative that you took the time to write and vote. I think you might find these sites about haiku interesting. Once again thank you for stopping by.
http://www.hsa-haiku.org/
http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiartjr.htm
http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/haiku/haiku.html
You’re welcome! And hank you for posting the links. I’m familiar with Jane Reichhold, we use her instructions in the Cage Unhitched for Haiku/Renga writing. The other two I have bookmarked for both sites look very interesting as well.
Ciao, Francina
Raining words
spring
wishes
blossom
Reminding me why I hate editors. Why would you do this? Leave the poor man alone.
Truthfully it is not about Mr. Wright it is about taking a piece of work and seeing what I could do with it. I love Mr. Wright’s work and have for years. His daughter put together this work and published it. As Mr. Wright stuck to a 5-7-5 format I felt that perhaps some of his haiku were constrained. I am not criticizing his work but using it as a medium for my own interpretation. Thank you for the comment and taking time to read my humble blog.